I think you like your life messy… ~Molly~
Black girl bestie-ships can be messy and are often complicated. We are up against a society that set us out to compete and tear one another down in the first place, yet we still try and make an attempt at friendship and at love. The underhanded comments, hidden jealousies and misunderstandings can fester and the woman closest to you can start to feel like your closest enemy.
When people say they don’t prefer this season of Insecure, I think what they’re really saying is, they prioritize intimate relationships between men and women more than they prioritize intimate relationships between women themselves. While relationships amongst friends can be just as messy, it’s not as juicy as a romantic love story like that of Issa and Lawrence. There’s not a false consolation prize of marriage, babies or a happily ever after with platonic relationships between women.
But love stories between Black women deserve its moment. Deserve its screen time. We are watching a bestie break up in real time and the least we can do is hold space. When Molly said “I love her but I don’t like her right now,” I felt that in my spirit. Do you remember when you and your bff broke up? That sh!t hurt.
Moment of silence…
You deserve to grieve that. More importantly, we deserve to be in conversation about why black girl bestie-ships can be so hard.
We replace holding one another accountable with harsh critiques. We often say real things in the wrong way and the person on the receiving end starts to feel judged. Now we are not as open with each other as we used to be and resentments start to spill out into our interactions that have become loaded and fake. Yes Issa could make better decisions in work and with men! Yes, Molly could stop being so damn harsh with her lovers and family, but there’s a way to say it! We have to be willing to receive it from someone who SHOULD have our best interest in mind. Accountability is needed on both sides. Can we really say with a clear conscience that only one of them was responsible for how their friendship ended up? Or is it that you see yourself in Molly or Issa and you are not yet willing to come to terms with the part you played in yours friendship ending?
There is also the issue of reciprocity. In this season Molly needs Issa to be emotionally available as she opens herself up to a healthier relationship with Andrew. At the same time Issa needs Molly to support her dreams as she’s trying to find her identity and place in the world. Nobody’s needs are being met as they are both consumed with what they need. Quite honestly, Molly doesn’t believe in Issa’s business endeavors and Issa doesn’t believe that Molly can manage a healthy love relationship. So we have two friends who stopped believing in each other. The friendship can not grow beyond that point. That’s what “the old Molly and the old Issa” debate is really about.
I feel like she sees me how she sees me. ~Issa~
The truth is people grow at their own speeds and Issa is the ‘new and old’ Issa at the same damn time. They are both stuck watching each other in the in-between, have lost patience and faith in the transition and refuse to see the potential for growth. What they won’t say is
I needed you and you weren’t there for me. I wanted you to believe I could do it, but you didn’t believe in me, and that hurt.
They won’t say
I didn’t know how to handle when you were doing well and I wasn’t. I didn’t know how to be there for you when I was having a hard time being there for myself.
So here we are with all the things left unsaid and all the bull sh!t we did say left on replay.
While some relationships do run their course, some people won’t glow up out of their toxicity.
I challenge ‘Black Women Besties’ to put as much energy in our growth as we do in our romantic partnerships. I challenge us to offer one another some grace, to work on how we communicate. To take a step back from how much we emotionally invest in whether our bestie takes our advice or not. To allow our bestie to become an individual when their ‘wants or desires’ are not our ‘wants or desires’. To simultaneously wish them well but allow them space to make their own mistakes, in hopes that we focus more on reciprocity, understanding and radical sisterhood.
You deserve more than a Lawrence Sis.
You deserve the best version of Molly and Issa.
About the Author:
Darling Tiara is a contributing writer for TANTV. She is a writer, educator and fashionista from Oakland, Ca. She considers herself a ‘Big Mouf’ Woman who stands on the shoulders of women such as Ida B. Wells, Octavia Butler and Marian Wright Edelman. She is a womanist and creator of #DeathToFBoys a podcast geared towards helping women develop self love and identify toxic behaviors. Follow her on Instagram, Facebook & Twitter @darlingtiara.
Darling Tiara
Writer. Educator. Content Creator.
